Monty Python and the Goat With A Thousand Young

King Arthur, Sir Bedivere and other favorite characters from the "Holy Grail" match wits with Tim the Magician, who turns out to be an acolyte of Shub-Niggurath, and not at all happy about the earlier poor treatment of his colleague the "Witch Made of Wood."

From R'lyeh With Love

James Bond is dispatched to investigate certain mysterious underwater phenomena observed by British spy craft in the South Pacific. Opposed by a mysterious, beautiful but deadly woman with strangely protuberant eyes, and her fishy-smelling henchmen, he nonetheless manages to take out a major Deep One enclave with a nuclear-tipped torpedo. Unfortunately, the Thames valley is subsequently flooded by a freak tidal  wave and London's inhabitants killed or carried off by a vast swarm of Deep Ones.

The Muppets Take Kadath

Kermit the Frog takes on the role of Randolph Carter in this fun-filled, musical romp through the Earth's Dreamlands .  Nyarlathotep: James Coburn.

Kindergarten Koth

Arnold Schwarzenegger tries charmingly to maintain order in a kindergarten class dominated by an unusually large and intelligent child named Wilbur, who seems to come and go via an odd, strangely ensymboled brazen door within the room's playhouse.

---

"Any others?", he asked.  There came a long silence, then mad, gibbering voices responded from the void...

The Terminated

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as an android from the future sent to change the past - but he's captured by a shoggoth, and the putrescent slime clogs all his gears.

Well, a Lovecraftian film that isn't yet, but may be someday is Casino R'lyeh.  If it ever gets off the ground, it'll be the second HPL-inspired film created by the team that was responsible for "Cthulhu Wore Tennis Shoes" at the latest HPL Film Fest.  Considering how disorganized we are, it may be a film that never was, despite our great title song:  Goldtentacle ... the god with the squamous touch ...

My Dinner With Nyarlathotep

Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory meet at an expensive restaurant to discuss life.  Just as the appetizer is being served, the waiter's face sprouts a tentacle and several nightgaunts spring out from under the covered dish and carry our long-winded protagonists to Kadath, where they are eaten by two Bholes who carry on an interminable dinner conversation.

Field of Dreams in the Witch-House

A man walking through his Iowa cornfield hears a voice whispering over and over, "If you build it, he will come."  The man cuts down his corn and builds a baseball field, at which point Cthulhu awakens from his slumber at the bottom of the ocean and fulfills his ancient dream of playing JUST ONE INNING with the New York Yankees.

Three Men and a Ghoul

Through an unlikely twist of fate, three middle-aged losers find themselves saddled with the responsibility of caring for a lovely infant girl.  Unknown to them, their lives are being filmed by a camera crew, and the movie is a great Hollywood success.  When it is released on video, quite a few people notice that during one scene a mysterious figure is visible outside a window of the apartment.  This triggers a surge of popularity for the flick, and for about six months you can never find it at a video store.  Finally some genius decides to view the scene frame by frame, and he discovers that the mysterious figure is nothing but a cardboard cutout.  But wait!  Further inspection reveals that it is a picture of a ghoul, and not only that:  by God, it's a photograph from life!

Out to Sea

Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon play two wisecracking, foul-mouthed, belligerent old farts who disrupt an entire cruise until they fall overboard and are devoured by Cthulhu.  The other passengers cheer.

Azathoth, Superstar

Controversial musical extravaganza that angers cult fundamentalists by its flirtations with heresy.  Soundtrack spawns a couple of hit singles, including:

***Title track ("Azathoth, superstar, do you think you're who they say you are?")

***I Don't Know How to Love Him (Because He's an Incomprehensible Nuclear Chaos)

For the most part the album is a flop, though, because its instrumentation consists entirely of the beating of drums to an alien rhythm, accompanied by the piping of insane flutes.

Cool Air America

Two wisecracking, disaffected CIA pilots are taking supplys to troops in Vietnam by way of Cambodia (illegally).  At first the unnaturally cold temperature within the cockpit of the plane is good because of the oppressive heat of the jungle, but as time goes on the new pilot begins to wonder at the activities of his senior officer, and his aversion to heat.  When they are captured by Vietnamese everyone is horrified at the fast disintegration and liquefaction of the senior pilot in the heat of the POW camp.  Insanity abounds.

The Sound of Music

A poor nun discovers that the hills are alive with the sound of music.  Sadly it's the pipe music of some creatures from the stars that the van trapp family summoned down.  When Maria discovers that the mother of the children was actually something really slimy,  all of her favorite things won't bring back her sanity.

You know,  I would find it easier to watch that every year than the original.

The Old Man and the Sea

Just like the current Godzilla promo being bandied about in the US, but instead it's Cthulhu hooked on the line.

South Pacific

A happy, care-free musical replete with live human sacrifice.  After Dagon receives as offering the dead bodies of Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman, he decides that humans are too ugly to conquer.

To Nyarlathotep on his 37,000,000,000,000th birthday

A half-crazed lady talks with her deceased husband "Blackie" every Walpurgisnacht.  Her friends try to talk her out of her dementia, but the joke is on them as she touches the Shining Trapezohedron and melts into her real, pre-cosmetic-surgery state, forcing all of the horrified onlookers to lose 1d20 SAN!

The Last Pulp Fiction Hero

A bunch of Call of Cthulhu characters fall into the real world.  Follow the madcap adventures of a dilletante, a hobo, an anarchist, a parapsychologist, and an antiquarian as they realize that they have no ability to survive in the real world and find that they can't lob explosives at everything that frightens them. They soon lose their jobs and become hobos, except the one who was already.  Then they kill each other in an attempt to "re-supply" at Fort Knox, leaving only five crumpled pieces of paper as residue.  Many people's favorite scene is the "does this look like a dead NPC stoarge facility to you, hunh?" where Sandy Petersen makes a cameo appearance.

Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas Special

As is.

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